Mother's Day Past and Present

Nate and I lost our son in January 2000. He was born at 19 weeks gestation. He lived for 30 minutes. We named him Leo because his little heart beat so strong. We were devastated by his death. I have dreaded Mother's Day ever since. No other holiday/event hurt as bad. In our culture we do not get credit for our relationship with the dead. I always felt my struggle back from deep grief and my continued willingness to try and conceive again spoke a lot about my motherhood. But they do not make a card for these. I lived through eight Mother's Days in this "maternal limbo", so you can imagine the relief I felt this year to be "mom" to my beautiful little Evelyn. Thank you Evy for giving your mother the best present of all. You!

Mom got to celebrate the day with Evelyn's first professional pictures. My present was a day shopping for the right outfit and of course the fun of getting her to smile. Hope you enjoy them as I do.

A Single Krisp of Rice

When I was just out of high school I volunteered for a special needs class at a local elementary school. I worked mostly with a little girl who had cerebral palsy. She was a cute kid; smiled all the time. Her fine motor skills were at a 4 month old level. She held her hands out to her side waving in the air. Yet she was quite smart, she knew her colors and how to count. If you asked her to choose the yellow block she would swing her hand down and sweep the yellow block to the side. I worked with her for over a year. Her knowledge blossomed in that time, but her fine motor skills never did. I have been thinking about her a lot lately. I have been fearing Evelyn would have the same fate. All that changed with one krisp of rice.

Evelyn's trials with her fine motor skills have not been a secret. She has been slow to develop them. She often has her hands out to the side, waving in the air. If you put something in her hand she will hold on and bring it to her mouth but she will not reach out to grab things on her own. I talked to Pat, the developmental specialist from the NICU about it. In her opinion Evy can grab at things she just won't. She explained it like a sort of NICU PTSD (Post Tramatic Stress Disorder). Pat encouraged me to keep offering her things to hold, and so I did. One thing I gave her was food, a big motivator for me. Mostly things like bananas and carrots. I would put them in her hand and she would put them in her mouth but she showed no desire to grab them on her own.

One day I put Evy in her high chair and poured a few Rice Krispies on her tray. I put her hand on the pile and told her they were crunchy. Then I went about preparing her breakfast. One moment later I turned and Evy was chasing one krisp around the tray with her thumb and pointer finger. She had a look of determination on her face. For several seconds the krisp alluded her. Then she got it. It stuck to the tip of her finger with her thumb pressed down on it. She brought the piece to her mouth and opened her grip. The Rice Krispie fell down the front of her and back onto the tray. She staired at the pile, opened her hand and grabbed several pieces. I stood there and cried. Evelyn brought the handeful to her mouth, ate a krisp, decided she did not like it and spit it out.

Now Evelyn grabs at anything in her path. She pulls at my shirt when she is hungry, she grabs at my glasses and hair. She tugs on toys and she loves to put Rice Krispies in her mouth. I can not wait to ask her to choose a yellow block and have her hand me the purple one. Someday...