One year ago...

I hope you guys are not tired of the whole "One year ago" thing. I learned with the lose of Leo that one year milestones are very important. It is as if healing can not begin until you reach the "One year ago" mark. These anniversaries force you to remember, the memory releases the pressure of your grief. Without this pressure you can look toward the future for a brief second and you begin to heal.

And so with Evelyn I am doing it again. One year ago we were in the middle of a birth crisis. We were the parents of an extreme preemie. Early on in Evy life I found a website which sales clothes for micro preemies. I could not resist. I bought a dress and hat. I took them to the hospital and there they sat. Weeks went by but her health was not good enough to allow dressing her. She was so fragile she would crash getting her diaper changed. All the other babies in her room were bigger and stronger. They were dressed. In my mind the dress came to represent all my hopes and wishes for Evelyn and our future together. Plus it was really cute.

So one year ago yeasterday I went to the NICU and asked the nurse if Evy was ready. She said yes and I dressed her.



This is one of my favorite memories. But looking at the picture now it is hard not to cry. Even on the best of days having a baby in the NICU is tough.

Yesterday I marked the anniversary by taking the dress out of storage and putting it on one of Evelyn's dolls. It was a important ritual. Someday I will show Evelyn the dress and try to explain to her how small she was and how hard she had to fight to be able to wear it. I want that day to be all about Evy and her tremendous spirit, not about old ghosts in my head. I needed to demystify the dress. For it is just a dress.

To that end I dressed dolly and I dressed Evy and got some great pics of them together.




This is my favorite.

Yeaterday I remembered, released the pressure of grief, and looked toward the future. Today the healing begins.